fredag 27 december 2013
Ain't your emotional bitch no more
Yesterday I talked to friend. I disappointed him. Why? Because I refused to understand that his partner hides that they are together because it would hurt the parents to know that their son lives with another man. This made me think of the role some of us tend to take as other's emotional bitches. Me for instance, I lived as my parent's emotional bitch for a loooong looooong time. Also other's emotional bitch of course because that is how I was "raised". Filled with fear, and a constant feeling of worthlessness, that I'm never a good whore enough. Kind of. I have decided that it doesn't matter that some people happens to be my parents, the are not entitled to treat me the way they have and does not have a place in my life. One of them is dead, died in cancer, and how horrible it might sound, I am relieved. She would never have changed, and I feel that now when she is dead I don't have to feel guilty for my anger and rage against her. The other parent will never change either and I have not seen this person for many years by my choice. Now he tries to sue me. Nice way to force yourself into your daughter's life when she does not want to have anything to do with him. In other words, some people go far in trying to keep one as his emotional bitch. This means, holds you responsible for his emotional life to an extent it makes the purpose of your life. If you breathe it is because he lets you, if you laugh it is because he wants you to. If he wants you to be his friend, you will be or you will have to listen to his bitchin for hours. I look forward to that day when I can walk the street fully relaxed without holding my breath, go to a job interview without my heart pounding so hard that I cannot breath, go to bed at night without wondering if this is going to be a sleepless night, enter a room full of people without wanting to disappear instead because the attention feels so uncomfortable, getting filled with rage when someone bumps into me in the street and not apologizing. Not anyone's emotional bitch. No fear. Much stronger.